


Hearts

by mitsukai613



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5642134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitsukai613/pseuds/mitsukai613
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, neither Saix nor Roxas can sleep, and encounter one another wandering through the Castle. Roxas wants to be friends to make Axel happy. Saix wants to figure out why Roxas pretends to have a heart. Eventually, they both begin to actually care about one another, but old plans don't fail lightly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys, sorry about the mass posting today, but this is just another instance of me finding stuff that's been put on my fanfiction.net account that I basically just forgot to put here too. Sorry, just wanted to even things out again, so I don't get too terribly confused!

The first time I actually spoke with number XIII, it was night and the castle was as silent as death. I often wandered at night, and on that particular evening I'd found myself in a wide hallway with long windows that let the moonlight paint silvery streaks across the cold white walls. The dancing light had dragged me into something like a trance when I heard quiet footsteps clicking down the hallway and jolted, stiffening as the Keyblade wielder moved into view, head tilted thoughtlessly, obliviously back. Obviously I was not the only one unable to sleep, with no research to occupy my empty time. I cleared my throat and he stumbled back, nearly falling, and I resisted the horribly irrational need to roll my eyes. It reminded me of Lea, in a way, especially the way he scrambled to look composed, and the empty place in my chest ached. Axel did not often remind me of Lea anymore. I expected that I rarely reminded him of Isa either.

"Roxas," I said, inclining my head, and he tried to smile. Normally he was better at faking, but then he had little reason to fake anything for me so I supposed I ought to have been honored that I got anything at all.

"Hi, Saix," he murmured, and I shook my head, turning back to the window.

"You need not worry. You've done nothing wrong, and even if you had, why would I tell the Superior of it when I am obviously doing the same thing?" He almost laughed, but the sound was aborted and a little too high-pitched in his throat. I heard him walk a little closer to me, as if he were frightened, and saw him from the corner of my eye as he stood beside me, joining me in gazing up at the moon. I would not be seeing it had he not joined us, that I knew. I would not be so much nearer to a heart. Were I different man, I might have thanked him. As it stood, I doubted he understood what he'd done, that he had been the one to form that moon in the sky.

"Oh. Could you not sleep either?" I hummed. The moonlight almost felt solid, as if I could hold it if only I reached out to grab it.

"I am awake, am I not? One would think that that would imply an inability to sleep." I glanced down at him, and he blinked, slow and confused, then smiled. It was a thin, wan smile, but it looked so real that for a moment I nearly succumbed to the illusion that I was human again. Axel had mentioned that about him, once. I'd thought him a fool for it. In a way, I still did; he'd already succumbed to that illusion, and I would not. Pretending would serve only to make me weak, make me forget what I was reaching for. Lea had always been the dreamer; perhaps he hadn't changed quite as much as I'd thought.

"Yeah. Sorry, that was a dumb question. I just always thought that I was the only one who couldn't sleep some nights, since I never saw anyone else out this late." He spoke quickly and a little too much. I remembered doing the same thing, when I'd had a heart to feel nervous with. He still smiled, though, bright and bold, and I couldn't remember if I had ever smiled that way. Axel would probably know, but it had grown steadily more difficult to speak with him since Castle Oblivion. I was suspicious, but as yet I'd been unable to call him on how he'd been acting. Perhaps part of me thought he'd still tell me what was on his mind, though the sane part of me doubted it. My hands started to ache and I noticed suddenly how tightly I'd been clenching them.

"It is a large castle, XIII. Do you have something you want from me?" He shrugged, turning to face me, and I couldn't look away. He looked so human, all bright blue eyes (and my eyes had been blue once, hadn't they?) and shiny golden hair. He would have looked perfectly normal in any little town, laughing with his friends and playing games, only ever play-fighting because he'd never had cause to see a real one. The moonlight pressed against me harder and I was hardly able to keep my teeth from cutting my lower lip.

"I guess not, but I thought maybe we could keep each other company since we're both awake. Like you said, it's a big castle. I must've walked by you for a reason, right?" He grinned again. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look away from the moon even as I felt it screaming for me. I had no need of the false, angry strength it gave me then; I disliked ever needing it at all, though I understood the necessity, knew that every time I used it it was only so that I could come that much closer to a heart.

"If you want company so badly, wake the puppet. It hasn't the will to mind." He frowned, eyes narrowing for the barest of moments before he twisted his lips into a smile again. I wondered if Axel had spoken about me to him, told him that he and I had been friends once, that there was some reason why I was how I was and that he should show me that same fake smile and trick me into that same illusion into which Axel had already blithely stepped.

"If she doesn't sleep well, her missions will be harder for her," he said, forcing his voice to remain light, and I could hear the emphasis he put on the "she" and the "her" even if he didn't directly say that he didn't think that it was a puppet. I still wondered what he and Axel saw in it, but Xemnas had mentioned that it took different forms depending on who was looking at it. I supposed that Roxas, soft as he seemed, had shaped her face, and Axel had begun to see it too because of how he'd fallen for the Keyblade wielder's sugar-false smiles and innocent eyes. "Maybe we could go to the kitchen?" I heard myself sigh, quiet and mostly to myself, and marveled at how easily he was able to make himself seem hopeful. Admittedly, I was curious; perhaps if I could understand how he was able to portray emotions so easily, I could better learn how to resist it. I doubted that Axel would listen even if I did, of course, but there was always a chance, however slight, that I could make him see sense again.

"Alright." Surprise flitted across his face, and I thought perhaps he would be upset that I'd agreed, but I saw no sign of it. Rather, he only smiled again, the barest curve of his lips this time, and started walking off. I followed, wondering for only a moment what I'd gotten myself into before I swept the thoughts away. Whatever Roxas' reasons for doing this, I would turn it to my advantage.


	2. Chapter 2

I followed Roxas to the kitchens, not really listening to the stream of chatter spilling from his lips. I still was entirely uncertain as to what the point of this was, why he seemed so determined to spend his sleepless night with me. Still, there seemed little point in complaining; there could be much to learn from this. Perhaps I could even discover what it was about XIII that had Axel so entranced, or even how he managed to fake his feelings so well. He grinned at me when we got there, pulling open the massive, steel freezer I'd never been entirely certain why we had. It wasn't as if we needed to eat, after all, and doing so wasn't much more than a mockery of what we'd become and a desperate attempt to pretend to be human again.

He dug around like someone who knew what they were looking for, and pulled out two white-wrapped bars of ice cream. He offered one to me, but I shook my head; I found no pleasure in pretending to enjoy eating. For the barest of moments, he frowned like he was really sad and slipped it back in the freezer as he opened his own. The thing was a strange shade of electric blue and honestly I couldn't imagine that the taste was pleasant, though he seemed to enjoy it from the way he sighed as he ate it.

"It's sea-salt," he said, obviously noticing me looking, and I raised an eyebrow though an old memory had made itself known in the back of my mind. Lea had loved sea-salt ice cream, had bought a bar of it every weekend with the munny he got as an allowance. He'd never been able to convince Isa to try it because Isa hadn't been fond of anything that tasted salty. Lea's assurance that it was sweet too hadn't been enough to change Isa's mind, and though Roxas seemed to somehow enjoy the treat even more than Lea had, I doubted he'd be any more convincing. I sat by Roxas when the boy gestured for me to do so, in any case, and didn't interrupt as he ate, instead watching him intently. He'd acted oddly many times before, of course, but at least I could have a vague understanding of his reasoning then. This simply defied explanation and at last I could not resist asking my questions.

"Why have you asked me to join you, XIII?" He tilted his head like he really didn't understand why I was asking, as if this were normal for a Nobody.

"I wanted to get to know you. Axel told me once that everyone gets to know everyone over ice cream." He said it like Axel's word was law and I almost thought I missed being able to hold such hope towards somebody until I reminded myself of how simple it was to be controlled by someone you trusted. Axel had always been particularly good at making everything he said sound like the truth. Lea had been the same way. Roxas, I suspected, was beginning to pick up the talent, although I knew that I wasn't nearly as gullible as Isa had been.

"I don't believe that is precisely true. Of course, Axel often has strange ideas. However, there is little of me to know. I am a Nobody, as you are, and currently I am relying on you to kill heartless and complete Kingdom Hearts so that we might have our hearts back. That is all you need to know of me." I said it flatly, and it wasn't a lie; despite that, Roxas didn't look at me for a few moments, instead turning his eyes down to the floor as he finished the last few bites of his ice cream.

"I knew all that already. I want to know other stuff, though. Like... I want to be friends." His voice was soft and innocent and kind and it was more and more difficult by the moment to make myself remember that he had to have some sort of ulterior motive to what he was doing. Not to say I wasn't the same, of course; nearly everything I'd done since joining the Organization had an ulterior motive of one sort or another. That made me no less bothered to have someone attempting to take advantage of me, as if I were a fool when faced with nothing more than kind blue eyes. 

"Like you are with Axel?" He grinned, then, bright and as fleeting as the moon on other worlds. Either he didn't hear the insult in my voice or he was a better liar than I'd ever imagined because I saw nothing but cloying sweetness in his face and beyond Axel himself, no other Nobody could make me remember frustration so clearly.

"Yeah!" he tried, then shook his head and sighed. "You're... look, you're strong, right? And the Superior tells you a lot. I don't... I don't know anything about myself. Axel told me that you used to be... that you can be pretty nice. I was hoping you could help me. Maybe... tell me who I am, or who I was, or... or anything. I want to know why I have the Keyblade." I felt myself stiffen and my hand curled tightly around the table until it almost hurt. He stared at me, lips pressed into a thin line and eyes wide and glittering. He didn't look like a liar. Most Nobodies didn't. Most Nobodies  _couldn't._  It was getting more difficult to remember that, and there had to be something about him, some other power, that allowed him to affect others the way he did.

"Axel speaks often, and rarely with any thought. I have no need or desire to be 'friends' with you; all I require of you is that you do your job, and all you require of me is to tell you what that job is. You needn't worry over anything beyond Kingdom Hearts." Anger sparked across his face, then, and he clenched the popsicle stick tightly in one small fist. For a moment, I had the irrational thought that perhaps he used those to summon his keyblade in the same way Marluxia used rose petals to summon his scythe, and then resisted the foolish, human urge to shake my head as if to dislodge the thought. Perhaps his strange tendency towards forcing false emotion in others was a byproduct of his Somebody. It would only make sense, I supposed, with a heart as silly as Sora's had seemed to be.

"That's not true! I'm not just a tool to get Kingdom Hearts, and you're not just some tape recorder that plays our mission assignments back to us." He stopped, then, seemingly with some great effort, and swallowed stiffly before he started speaking again. "Can you at least... I don't even know why Kingdom Hearts is such a big deal, honestly. I can't remember what it was like to have a heart." And that, I couldn't help but think, had to be an awful thing. The emptiness was bad enough, but to suffer that emptiness without the awareness that there was more, the memories of  _having_ more, I could not imagine that. Those memories were all any of us had, and he didn't even have that. Still, my sympathy was worthless and false as anything else, and I, at least, was aware of that.

"All the more reason to finish it faster." He was silent for a while and I wondered why I was even staying, planned, even, to stand up when at last he spoke again.

"Can you... can you tell me what it's like, having a heart? I've asked Axel before, but he doesn't really answer me." I tried to avoid thinking of it, and I realized that the moment he asked. Isa might have laughed about that, and Lea too; the memory I clung to most fiercely was the same one I tried never to recall.

"It is... fullness, and completion. Everything you think you feel now is a shadow, but the real thing is so much more intense, like the sunlight instead of the moon. It burns, but it's a pleasant burn even if it takes not having it to realize as much." I'd hated the highs and lows of having a heart, sometimes, the great peaks of joy that sank down so quickly into black sorrow, but now I'd have been grateful even for sadness because at least it would feel like being alive again. Roxas smiled, the faintest curl of his lips that looked so genuine I could have screamed. How could a trick I knew was a trick still be so effective?

"That sounds... it sounds nice. I want to do that for you, Saix, for everyone in the Organization. I just can't want to do it for myself, though, because I'm never going to think it's as urgent as the rest of you do. I want to do it for the rest of you, and that would be a lot easier if I could get to know you, don't you think? Or at least more of you than just Axel. And maybe if I learned a little about who I was, I might start remembering what it felt like to have a Heart, and then I'd want to do it even faster." It made a strange sort of sense, and I almost wanted to curse him for that.  I shook my head, then looked at him for a moment, at the determination settled firm and bright in his gaze.

“Fine. You want to pretend as if you’re my friend, as you do with Axel? I see little use in complaining. Meet me in Addled Impasse tomorrow evening. I’ve better things to do during the day than play pretend with you, but, as you see, my evenings are often empty.” I almost didn’t know why I agreed to it, really, but then, more time would allow me the opportunity to study him, and though he’d offered motives I believed easily enough, he could always be hiding more. Besides, it wasn’t as if I had much of any more importance to do with my evenings, as I’d said, and this... this could be quite enlightening.

He smiled, then, like I’d offered him all of the Worlds on a silver platter, and held out a hand for me to shake. I did so with less reluctance than I might have imagined.

“Alright! I’ll see you then, okay?” I only nodded, and he yawned widely before he stood and strode off towards his rooms. I left for my own shortly after, though still I slept poorly with the moon shining insistently through the thin curtains in my bedroom. I could not decide whether or not I could call it a pleasant evening.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day passed in something like a blur. I handed out missions, same as I ever did, even gave a few to Roxas himself, but he didn't react to me any more than he ever did. It was admittedly a bit odd, seeing him so flat when he night before he'd been so animated, as if it were some sort of switch he could flip at will. He still smiled brilliantly at Axel and the puppet, though, and I could feel the faintest traces of my memories of annoyance tickling the back of my mind. I spent the majority of the day alone; it had been some time since I'd been sent on a mission of my own. Xemnas called me "unpredictable," said it was better for me to stay in the castle, sort through the mission and recon reports, and assign new missions as necessary. Depending on the day, I itched desperately to fight, felt my fingers curl loose and easy around the hilt of a weapon I couldn't summon. If the need was bad enough, close to the time when the moon was brightest in the sky, I'd summon a few hundred dusks into an empty room and slay them until the urge eased. I called it "endurance training" and suddenly Xemnas praised the initiative and insisted that everyone in the castle partook in it monthly. I didn't complain; the activity being sanctioned only made it simpler to do, and I appreciated that much if nothing else.

As the day passed, slow and dragging and bleeding slowly into every other day spent in the castle, I found myself almost anticipating my meeting that evening, likely simply for the pleasure of doing something different. It wasn't a pleasant sensation, but I knew of few ways to counteract it and admittedly, I might not have done so even if I did. False though it was, I could admit that I enjoyed the almost-emotions he forced me into feeling, and the more I thought of it, the more I understood why Axel let himself believe it was real. Any one of us might have, should we spend enough time with him. It was dangerous and I supposed I would have to find some way to stop it, but there was little use in admitted I enjoyed it then. I forced myself to wait perhaps a half hour longer than I should have before I made my way to Addled Impasse, half-hoping that he would not be there when I arrived.

Any hope I convinced myself I had was quite in vain. He was sitting there, legs crossed on the floor, pretty as a painting, the moment I stepped into the room. He stared up at the moon like someone in awe and that, at least, I could understand; there was a reason why Addled Impasse was my favorite room in the castle. The wall of windows was nearly right beside Kingdom Hearts, and its light filled the room almost completely throughout any given day. I felt stronger in that room than anywhere else, and had I been alone, I might have summoned my weapon simply to feel it in my hand, let the moon take me just for the power of it, the thrill, and I was not unpredictable as Xemnas said, I was simply too strong for him to control outside of the castle. I knew that and it set my teeth on edge, and I never questioned my own certainty that I would kill Xemnas if I could, that I had tried to overthrow him, but he was useful and Kingdom Hearts continued to grow under his hand.

"Hey, Saix!" Roxas said, head tilted to one side and smile painting his expression. The moon reflected vibrantly off his hair and his skin; he reminded me faintly of a reflection on water and I felt myself settling without entirely noticing that I was doing it.

"Roxas," I replied, and he levered himself up to his feet, still smiling as he walked towards me.

"This room's really pretty. Is it yours?" I shook my head, turning away from him to face the window.

"It belongs to the Superior just as every other room in the castle does. I merely spend much of my time here." The words sounded lighter than they felt, and somehow, Roxas seemed to notice. He turned too, looking out at the moon he'd built out of nothing but battle, and nudged my shoulder. I'd have called it playful had we been human, and in a way, I wanted to call it that anyway. It was strange and for a moment, I was certain that I was going to be sick.

"He can't own everything in the castle. Some places are just suited to us, you know? Like Marluxia's garden, or that big echo-y room Demyx plays his sitar in. I don't think those places would be here without them. Maybe this place wouldn't be here without you. You really like the moon, don't you?" And that was, perhaps, the greatest oversimplification I'd ever heard. The boy really was a fool, and that shouldn't have been as charming as it seemed then. Still, the more I thought of it... this castle was in a world-between-worlds, a world that shouldn't be and that wasn't really shaped by consistency. The castle was the same way; some things did move and disappear, though it was rare and never anything of any importance. Perhaps the castle did shape itself to suit us, though the reason eluded me. Perhaps we shaped it ourselves without even realizing.

"Perhaps. Still, shaped to us or not, Xemnas is the lord of this place and a lord owns his lands," I said, clasping my hands behind my back and shifting some from foot to foot. The light was like a lead weight, but one I would not have traded for anything. "As for my opinion on the moon... it gives me my power. That is enough. I've no attachment to it beyond that." Isa, on the other hand... Isa had loved the moon. He been able to sit for hours and stare up at the cold, otherworldly light, tracing patterns in the craters and timing the phases. Those nights, just Isa and the moon, were some of the only memories he had without Lea. He sighed, then, and shook his head one more time.

"It's really beautiful. I understand why you like it. Hey, do you want to spar?" Of course, the question startled me, that I couldn't deny.

"I imagine no one would be pleased if I killed you, XIII." He laughed, eyes sparkling, and I wanted suddenly to laugh with him. I didn't know how to react to that.

"You won't hurt me, Saix. How about this? If I win, you tell me something about who I am, and if I lose, I'll do double missions tomorrow." It sounded like an unfair deal on my end, at least at its basest level, but I knew how quickly a little information could be turned in his favor, how easily it could alter the plans I had, and for all I knew more of Roxas' Other than he did, I still didn't really know much. Still, I wanted to say yes; didn't know why I did, really, but I wanted to desperately. Perhaps, I supposed, I just wanted a good fight. I wondered what he would look like if he knew the truth of his Somebody, but I knew clearly that he would almost certainly leave. My stomach was tight and my head ached and I was shaking. The shadow of my claymore was already in my hand.

"Tell me you will finish Kingdom Hearts, Roxas. Tell me you will get our hearts back for us." I spoke without thinking, without meaning, like a human, and I hadn't thought of how overwhelming his false emotional effect would be when the moonlight was also making me irrational. He gripped my arm like a friend and his eyes softened.

"I promise, Saix. I'm going to get your heart back. I'm going to get everyone's hearts back." And with that, I summoned my weapon, and he summoned his. I held back, of course, but he was strong and it was a good fight, better than a fight against dusks, better than a fight against my Berserkers whose moves I knew as well as my own, better than any fight I'd had in a long, long time. I felt good and I felt wild and I _felt_ and I knew in my mind that I really didn't. The illusion was addictive, though, and I learned that too late to really resist it. In the end, though, he ceded the battle to me when we were both tired and sweating and I knocked the Keyblade out of his hand. He laughed, though, like my claymore wasn't against his throat, like my eyes weren't glowing animal yellow, like it was a game, and I relaxed like nothing and sat beside him where he'd stumbled onto the ground. "Looks like I've got double duty tomorrow, huh?" I shook my head. 

"Your promise was enough. Instead... your stance is off, and your grip as well. I believe the time you'd spend doing extra missions would be better spent learning new techniques for a battle. You are skilled, of course, but you could be much better, given practice." He bumped against my shoulder again, still playful.

"Are you offering?" I blinked, the haze clearing slowly but steadily, though faster than I'd ever known it to before.

"I suppose I am." He threw an arm over my shoulder, then, and squeezed firmly once before he pulled away, shining brighter than any star I'd ever seen in any sky. I didn't know what to do with my own hands and I'd learned nothing despite allowing him here to learn his tricks. 

"Then I'll be here. It sounds like fun!" And, curse my weakness, he was right. For the next weeks, we spent hours together, sparring and chatting like friends though I reminded myself nightly that we were not. Still, every day passed like lightning instead of dragging, and still Kingdom Hearts grew steadily. For once, everything seemed to be working as it should; even Axel had spoken to me again as we once spoke, as friends, or at least the memory of them. Perhaps I should have known that no plan will run smoothly for beings such as myself, yet still it came as a shock Isa would have called painful when the puppet proved itself something more than a broken tool.


	4. Chapter 4

I imagine that I was the first to notice Roxas getting weaker. During our practices, he started landing blows less and less often, and those he did land were far weaker than they should have been. At first, I supposed it was because the moon was growing larger, and with it, I grew stronger, but as time passed, and he got weaker while the puppet got stronger, I began to realize what was happening. It was doing its job, finally building a copy of the Keyblade wielder, but to do so, it was draining away his strength. I wondered what had triggered it, when not so long ago it was falling unconscious at random and losing control of its ability to summon the Keyblade in the first place. Roxas didn't even seem to notice, really; he still smiled and laughed and acted human, and he was kinder to her than he'd ever been, spent more time with she and Axel before.

Eventually, Axel started noticing too, and I saw him noticing. He stuck closer to Roxas, sometimes even tried to keep him from seeing the puppet, though I doubted he noticed that. He was obvious in his worry, false though it had to be; he reminded me more of Lea then than he had in a very, very long time. Even still, I don't think Axel noticed me doing precisely the same thing, though it was difficult to justify it to myself. If the puppet became stronger than Roxas was, then the puppet was the one we needed to keep; if it drained him, it only meant that it was the one worthy of fulfilling our purpose. Even still... sometimes, when I looked at it, I started seeing Roxas' face, or at least his eyes, brilliantly blue and endlessly kind though they shouldn't have been. Xemnas said everyone saw it differently but I knew, somehow, that I was the only one who saw him. It was irrational and every single time I drew him away for an extra practice, I felt more a fool.

Roxas saw her as often as he pleased anyway, often after every mission and sometimes during missions since Xemnas finally noticed that I'd stopped sending them out together and ordered me to return to the plan. Every day he looked weaker and every day it looked stronger and some nights, I thought about disabling her. If I did, after all, all of Roxas' power would return to him and no longer would I have to suffer it and its failures and its face that was not its face. More and more I was growing unable to distinguish them by sight, and more than once I'd nearly called it by his name when I didn't look at it closely enough to see the waver at its edges and the differences in the way it moved. Roxas still called it she, still acted as if it were alive, and I disliked how angry that made me think I was. It did not deserve his kindness. Few things, I supposed, really did.

Eventually, though, I grew desperate enough to keep them further separated that I began leaving the Castle with him despite my orders. He took me to world upon world, worlds I'd seen only through mission reports, and showed me the places he thought special. In the world he called Neverland, he called a miniature woman that inhabited the world to sprinkle dust on me and when he dragged me off the edge of a cliff afterwards I _flew_ because of it. With the wind in my face and the moon shining down over the water and my back and my face twisted in a smile I hardly recognized, I couldn't bring myself to scold him for interacting with the denizens of the worlds. That night was a magic I doubted I'd even recognized when I'd been human. He even brought me to what he called his favorite world, Twilight Town, and when he handed me a sea salt ice cream bar with the softest look in his eyes I couldn't help but take it.

Sweetness burst over my tongue, the salt there but mild, a pleasant cut to what would otherwise be cloying, and it melted on my fingers and my coat but I didn't think I'd ever tasted anything better. He clutched my hand that day, his own fingertips stained blue and just as sticky as mine, and when he dragged me on top of the clock tower to look at the sun that never fully set and the moon that never fully rose, he leaned up and touched his lips to mine, quick as a breath and so soft I hardly felt it. I said nothing but his name, soft as heaven on my tongue, and he leaned his head on my shoulder. I felt more human then than I had since the half-life I lived then had begun. My most distant thoughts called it false but everything else screamed that it was more real than anything else. He promised me again that he'd get my heart back, and there was more to the promise that time, more than I could truly imagine, and I smiled and I nodded and I told him that I knew that. As soon as I said it, I knew that it was a lie, and it had begun to ache to lie to him, but I had little choice. Barely more than a week later, he fell unconscious instead of the puppet. The very day he awoke, Xemnas called me to the peak of the tower and I went despite wanting nothing more than to go make certain that he was well.

"Xion is functioning better than expected, don't you think? Amazing how well Vexen's project works now that he is no longer heading it, truly." I said nothing, though I wanted to say that it was not working at all, that it was, somehow, even more broken than I'd imagined. He looked at me and sighed, quiet, as if he were actually disappointed. "You know it isn't real, don't you? All your little outings with him, all the times he smiles and bats his eyes? It's all as false as the rest of us without a heart to back it up, and attempting to finish Kingdom Hearts with them both is little more than a liability. We need only one, and whether that one is the original or the copy matters little." I breathed deeply and stared out Xemnas' window to the sky. Roxas had sworn that he would get my heart back, and I might have loved him if I'd had a heart. I did not have a heart, and Roxas... Roxas wasn't even strong enough to defeat his copy; I doubted that, if the time came, he would serve any better against his Somebody, if he would even fight him at all. The puppet had no such compulsions; it drained and it fought and it killed, all without much question. The puppet could get my heart back. When we had hearts, perhaps Roxas would be able to forgive me.

"What do you suggest?" The words came out stilted and wrong and it stung like dying to say them. I had never told him anything I knew, had avoided giving any answers because I knew that if he had answers, there was much more than a small chance that he'd leave. That had been betrayal enough, and now my mind screamed the word.

"We need whichever of them is stronger; let them fight for it. Whoever lives will absorb the power of the other." He said it so casually, and neither of them mattered to him as more than a tool. Roxas was more than a tool, forever more than a tool, and the puppet hadn't asked to be made. I closed my eyes because I could feel them stinging and I knew they'd be glowing yellow. My skin felt too hot and too tight, as if it didn't fit me.

"They'd never fight each other." I wanted to stop talking. I wanted a heart. I couldn't betray Roxas. I had no choice.

"I didn't say that they needed to be aware they were fighting each other. It's simple enough to make each of them think that the other is a heartless; make them think it's a mission." He was right, and I was wrong; I did have a choice. I always had a choice. Roxas seemed to think it was easy, that one could say that they weren't a tool and it would be so. I'd been a tool all along, and I still was. Roxas was... special, but he would not be able to keep his promise to me if he couldn't defeat the puppet. He would... he had to forgive me, in the end, when all was said and done. I breathed deeply; the puppet didn't deserve to have to fight for a life it hadn't wanted either, but few got what they deserved. Both of them couldn't live if Kingdom Hearts was to be finished, and I needed a heart more than I needed a pretend friendship and an equally pretend love. When it was done, we could find a way to draw Roxas from the puppet if he lost, make him whole again, and we could be happy.

"I'll send them in the morning." And wasn't it funny, how such simple words could be used to command a death. I felt numb, and I didn't remember going to Axel's room but I did remember speaking to him. "Choose one of them tonight or you will lose them both."

"Roxas likes you," he said, and I said nothing. "I can't hurt either of them, though. Xion didn't ask for any of this; it isn't her fault she's taking too much. We can correct it, Saix."

"We've both changed so much," I said, and he clutched at his head and we both laughed until our eyes were dripping false tears. I told him that there was nothing I could do and he knew that I'd betrayed Roxas and I knew he'd stop what we'd planned, what I'd put into motion, because the puppet was just as real to him as Roxas was. I was beginning to doubt that I could simply kill it either. The next day, it didn't matter, because Axel did what I knew he would do and suddenly Roxas knew the truth about everything. With one choice, it was over, and when he looked at me I could see the hate in his eyes. It didn't feel fake and I wished I'd learned how to resist how real he seemed. He didn't speak to me again and I didn't blame him, but as soon as he returned from that mission, as soon as he began ignoring Axel too, I knew he was going to run. I couldn't let that happen, and so began my nights spent at the castle's only exit. It was only a matter of time before he appeared, face just as determined as it had been that first night we really spoke.


	5. Chapter 5

I hardly recognized my own voice when I spoke to him that night he tried to leave. "We don't accept resignations." The moonlight dripped over me, and I shivered with tension. Roxas had looked beautiful and vibrant to me once, but under the fading light of Kingdom Hearts, standing at the border between the Castle and the World, he looked flat and dead, drained of the color and life he'd so flaunted before. The puppet probably still had most of his power, power he'd let her have without even a fight, and every memory I'd ever made of being angry flooded my mind all at once. My nails dug welts into my palms and my lips split over my teeth. He had no right to leave, no right to run, just because of false betrayals and a Somebody he didn't know.

"I've got nothing to say to you." Of course he didn't. Why would he have anything to say to me now, simply because I'd begun to believe the illusion, to imagine that he actually cared about me, that I cared about him? No, he was just as false, just as empty, as the rest of us; his kindness had been nothing more than a ruse to get him what he wanted, no different than my own aloofness or Axel's humor. There was no reason for me to expect him to at least tell me goodbye, that he was sorry, that, perhaps, he would even miss me, because we were Nobodies. I had no reason to feel guilty for keeping anything from him, for following orders, for choosing the puppet we could use over the Nobody we could not once he began to lose his powers. I had made my choice, and it had been the chance at a real life rather than the certainty of a false friendship and a promise he couldn't keep. Roxas meant nothing to me beyond the key in his hand and I meant nothing to him beyond an obstacle to Sora. It was better that way, no matter how my chest ached.

"Then let's keep this short and sweet." It would end here, one way or another. I took a deep breath and drew my weapon and tried not to flinch at the sadness swirling with the anger in his bright, ever-blue eyes. He made himself cry, I suppose as one final mockery, but he still held the Keyblade high. Obviously he had made his choice as well. I took the first swing, and he didn't hesitate before he took the second. If my own cheeks felt wet, it was simple enough to call it sweat, and I hardly recognized my own voice as I screamed at him.

"You're a brave one!" He didn't need to fight. If he'd just given in... but he hadn't. He wouldn't. He was too much like his Somebody for that. "I will leave you with nothing!" Just as he'd left me, more empty than ever for the glimpses of fulfillment, of happiness, he'd shown me. "Ingrate!" He had promised that he would get my heart back for me, said that he had wanted me to be happy, that I deserved it. He had promised, but he was no different than the rest of us, seeking only to reach his own ends. "Accept it!" He had no choice but to stay here with me, to fight for me, with me, to get back our hearts so that, maybe, we could forgive each other. I would never let him leave, not as long as the darkness didn't take me fully. He said nothing and I fought harder, but it meant nothing. Even without all his strength, he was still strong, stronger than he'd been any time we practiced together, and I fell. Obviously I hadn't been the only one holding back and I wanted to laugh as much as I wanted to scream. I almost wished he would end me, but the Keyblade faded from his hand and I clenched my eyes shut for the barest of moments to keep the stray wetness from leaking out. "How much... longer?" I whispered to myself, to the sky, to anyone who could hear. "Kingdom Hearts... will your strength never be mine?" Roxas smiled, sad and small, eyes tilted down.

"Is that still all you care about?" he asked, quiet, and I clenched my jaw. He was still trying to pretend he cared. I wished I could hate him for that, if nothing else, almost as much as I wished that I could love him as much as I knew I would have in another life. I was truly such a fool, but I was not alone in that.

"There is nothing else to care for." He bent down and kissed me once, light, feathery, fleeting, and my face felt wetter than before. I would have loved him if I was human. If I had a heart, I would have held him tightly and never let go. He and Axel would have been my best friends. I would have been happy. My life would have been perfect. He would not, could not, get me a heart. I would be alone. I would not be forgiven.

"Goodbye, Saix." And then he was gone, and I couldn't even stand to stop him. Not long after, Xemnas ordered Axel to find him. Much as I hoped he would be successful, I somehow knew that Roxas would never walk the halls of the Castle again, at least not as himself.

* * *

Sora made me cold, colder than ever. He looked so like Roxas, but so, so different, blue eyes more like the sky at daylight than the sky at night, smile like sunshine instead of moonbeams, hair brown like earth instead of gold like starlight. He was the noon to Roxas' midnight and my chest ached more fiercely than it had since he told me goodbye. Axel had thought that he could force Roxas back out, before he turned traitor and bent to Sora's cause like everyone always seemed to do. I doubted it was possible, and yet... I could not resist the urge to try, the urge to hope that Roxas was still inside of him, still aware, that perhaps I could bring him to the forefront again, make Sora heartless once more. Axel wouldn't have gone that far, and perhaps that was why he and I had once worked so well together; I wasn't so kind. I swallowed, turning to face the Keyblade's chosen, and schooled my face into cool neutrality once again. I had nothing left to hold me back, not with Axel, my last anchor, faded into nothing like so many Nobodies before him. The only difference was he'd managed to avoid doing it on the end of Sora's key. I thought that I missed him, and I thought that I missed Roxas, and I thought that I was hopeless and alone. I would bring Roxas back to finish his work or I would fade. I had made my choice a long time before.

"Only you could have made it this far in one piece... Roxas." His name sounded heavy on my tongue, and I realized for the first time how rarely I'd spoken it. The last time had been when he still called me friend, when he held my hand and kissed me with a smile on his face. Sora looked so horribly confused, face twisting childishly and jaw clenching.

"That's really getting old!" He was pouting. I remembered going to Twilight Town with Roxas, not long before he'd discovered my lies, discovered that the Superior had planned to pit he and the puppet... he and Xion, against one another. Roxas had pouted like that when I acted like I wouldn't take the bar of ice cream he offered me, and I hadn't been able to resist it. I'd gone back there once, when I couldn't sleep, and bought myself another one, but it had tasted like nothing but cold salt, no pleasant sweetness to ease the bite.

"Yeah! He's Sora!" the ridiculous duck squawked, he and the strange dog shifting to stand protectively in front of the boy, who stared at me with pained confusion on his face. He remembered me, obviously, however distantly. I was unsure if that made me feel better or worse. If he remembered... if he remembered, perhaps Roxas would appear of his own will, fight his way out of Sora and into existence. I only needed to push a little harder.

"Different name, same fate." Sora had taken Roxas back, made him fade. It was Sora's turn to do the fading. The moon shone down brightly, eagerly, and I spared only a moment to note the man who looked like Xemnas drag the girl back behind a protective layer. My blade expanded with my full strength, and I felt myself grin, wild and wicked with the heady influence of the moon's power. If Sora fell under my blade, Roxas would return, and he would keep his promise. I would have a heart. Perhaps we would even manage to bring Axel back. We would be happy. All I needed was for Sora to be gone, but of course he refused to move aside. After all, how could a hero understand that his shadow mattered to anyone? His key dug into my skin, and he ducked effortlessly under every swing of my own blade no matter how hard I pressed him. He was too strong, just as Roxas had been, and he had no reason to show me mercy.

If I had a heart... I shook, weak and wavering and defeated, and felt my claymore fall from my hand. I was dying, and I wasn't even strong enough to face Sora, to ask what I wanted to ask directly to him. I turned my stare to Kingdom Hearts, the only thing I'd ever believed in, the only thing I'd ever trusted, my only hope, and knew suddenly how wrong I had been. "Why... Kingdom Hearts?" It was meant to be a force of good, a force of light, and yet... hadn't I always known that that was a lie? Hadn't I always suspected? I had never really trusted Xemnas, after all, had known that he was lying. I wished I had never felt Kingdom Hearts' power, seen its glow. I felt myself fading, and fading quickly, but I would not look at it while I died. I would not give it that pleasure when I had allowed it and Xemnas' lies to take the only real heart I'd ever had a chance to hold. Slowly, desperately, I turned back to Sora and met wide, tearful eyes that were ever-so-slightly darkened to nighttime blue. "Roxas, please. Tell me you're still there." One last chance, that was all I wanted. One last chance to say what should've been said so long before. One last chance to mend the wrongs I'd done. One last chance to be forgiven before the darkness took me as it had taken Axel. One last chance to hope that I would see them both again one day.

"I'm still here, Saix," Sora said, but it was not Sora's voice, and I heard myself sob, harsh and painful, my hands clenching into tight fists as I willed myself to hold on just one moment longer.

"Roxas," I whispered, "Roxas, I am sorry. I love you. I love you." Sora's body walked forward, and his face smiled Roxas' smile, and his hand touched the center of my chest with Roxas' gentle evening grace. I smiled myself, bright and bold in a way I hadn't remembered that I could be.

"Stupid. You know I never stopped loving you, even when I probably should have. We'll see each other again, okay? I promise. You and me, and Axel too, and Xion, and all the others. I know it." Perhaps it was too late to matter, but I trusted him. I settled my hand over his and let myself fade with a smile, all the while feeling something thudding slow and calm in my chest.


End file.
